just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
