Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize