Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
