I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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