I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize