Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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