Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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