My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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