if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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