dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
