she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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