today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
