I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
