I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
