my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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