yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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