He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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