if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
