I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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