i think i have herpe
just one?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
