I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
