I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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