Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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