Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
