I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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