It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize