we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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