I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
