stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
