Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
