He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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