it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize