so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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