If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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