Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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