great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
and you fell through a lawn chair
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