Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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