Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
