I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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