I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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