They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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