Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
