You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
