I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
