Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My vagina just recognized that song.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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