I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I wish I only lived at night.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
