I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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