One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
