Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
