Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I fill condoms, not promises.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
