just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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