I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
