I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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