His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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