I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
