do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
