Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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