YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
