dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
