I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
40s are totally the cure
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
