3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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